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Always Radical
Be So
Black Magic
Buried Alive
The Bridge
Caught Her
The City
Cursing You
Death of Diplomacy
The Fires I Started
For the Killers
Freedom From Religion
Fugue Fugue
The Future, The Boot
Girl In Black
The Heroine
His, Yours, or Mine
If I Woke Up In Temescal
In Bluebeard's Castle
In Gilead
In Love with Us
Is She Secretly on My Side
The Keys
Knowledge Scars
Lament For Peter Pan
The Little Mermaid
Loud and Clear
The Next Flower
Peter Pan Waltz
Pillar of Salt
Pink Shoes
A Poison Tree
Running After Darkness
Silently Conjure
The Snowstorm
Under the Sand
Vacant Skies
When I Touch Myself
Written in Red
Always Radical

You alone shared my tears
As we watched such injustice unfold
I alone looked into your eyes
As rationale was retold

Most people argue
Pandering to the middle
You are always radical
When others would follow their rules
You would be nobody's fool

Focused so strongly
As we shared those afternoons
Could you, so tranquil, understand my longing
To be so much more than friend to you

Most people argue
Toeing the party line
You won't be so easily defined
When others say turn the other cheek
You will never risk appearing weak

I'll never say I disagree
But I had different priorities
I wanted to have someone beside me
Who wanted revolution as unblindly

And when I asked you
If I could give you just one kiss
I've never seen such indifference
While I would have changed myself for you
You would always remain true

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Be So (words by Michael Barnstijn)

Time is running all too slow
I always stop when I must go.
When I race I fall behind
And curse the shadows in my mind.

(too slow, must go, too slow, must go)

Walk the street with empty hands
Can't keep up with life's demands.
Tried it fast and tried it slow
Just can't see where next to go.

(must go, too slow, must go, too slow)

Now I find where I must be
Here with you and you with me.
Noise and fear have blinded me
I stand still and now I see.

(don't go, be so, don't go, be so)

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Black Magic

If I could save you
I would kiss you
I would run to you
I would fix you

If I could stitch their hearts
I'd collect another
All the lonely boys
I could be their mother

If it was more than the lure
Of a possible fall
I would consider
Breaking it all

But it is merely polar
Opposites attracting
My perfect order
To meet chaos again

Still something pulls me
And I don't want the blame
This is black magic
I can only lose this game

You ask for what seems simple
And god I love to give
But it's impossible
You are not mine to save

(February 2012)

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Buried Alive

The song claws at my throat
Buried alive
They need me to be weak
That's how they thrive

Even now they took my time, they take my time

My fingers twist in pain
Feeling their way
With just a fool's hope
For the escape

What I know is my own strength, is my own strength

You know I will resist
Though it may be in silence
I'll see my own rewards
In solitary triumph

What I know is my own strength
I kept it locked away
And so it will remain
Until I'm free someday

The song claws at my throat
Buried alive
And though I scream inside
It will survive

(January 2005)

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The Bridge

I pulled myself out of the rubble
With no expectations or hope
Vaguely curious what lies beyond
I emerged to cross the bridge alone

I did not expect to find a new dealer for desire
A new leader into the era where we'll thrive
It was you, holding the power of light and death
As I walked West

The resonance of our minds, our sympathetic vibrations
Excite the bridge we're on in catastrophic undulations

Your hand tight in mine
I know I will fall in deep
You'll show me your Atlantis
And teach me how to breathe

In the depths lie all the bad decisions I make when I fall in love
But I don't want to chase the red flags any more
I just want a piece of your flawed utopia

(September 2011)

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I learned to love from songs
I know I do it wrong
I fall fast and not very well
Try to dissemble, but you can tell
I can't play by the rules
Too impatient to be pursued

But you got under my skin
Your skin under my nails
Your smell on my hair
Your marks on my arms

If we can choose our bruises I've made my choice
Now I sing my own song in my own voice
Though my tongue may still be tied
In the end I will be undenied
Oh, I learned to love from songs
I know I do it wrong

If I could have what I wanted
You would be part of it
To grasp me firmly's not an option
But I want you
Even now I've had you, still -- I want you
Tempted to give all this a name
As our dance moves always one step out of frame
(October 2008)

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"That's one of the unfortunate by-products of a married woman falling in love. There are almost always casualties, Eve."

In retrospect it seems I've lost
I could have won, but at what cost?
Is it too late now to be brave?
When there's no love left I can save
Feeling guilt's my one regret
I let you take all you could get

I'm coming back to take what's mine
I'm not afraid to cross the line
(December 2009)

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Caught Her

When we were girls
We were our own little world
It seemed that we were unbreakable
So we pushed the limits

Unbearable poverty makes you think
anything's better than what you have
Unspeakable acts seems exciting
You'll sacrifice everything for the chance

But if I could, if I could, if I could have caught her
Would she now be free?
If I could, if I could, if I could have caught her
Would she ever forgive me?

I was all she had, I still
Feel I somehow failed her
I know I was not to blame it was
Only our silence that betrayed her

When they came to take her
She went without a fight
I watched from inside the closet
Protecting myself in the black of night

But if I could...

I could pretend I don't care
Wherever she is, what they do to her
In that moment we were severed (Her submission)
But we were girls together

We were girls together...
Once upon a time

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Despite all my protests
Its simplicity
Calls me to its breast
The comfort of normality
What I want is to be a commodity
From here it's just too easy

Oh to be typical
Just as selfish as
To be pandered to like the middle class

'Cause there's too many stars
Not enough sky
Why should I even try?

At the end of the day
My eyes dry and red
It's a simple balm
To soothe my troubled head
Media somewhat true
I enjoy it because I'm told to

Placated and satisfied
By mass entertainment
They grovel for me as I won't do for them again

Living vicariously
Through celebrity
That is how we can be happy

Oh to be typical
Just as selfish as
To be pandered to like the middle class

'Cause there's too many stars
Not enough sky
There's so much beauty, too few eyes

What I want is to be a commodity
Only then I will be free

Placated and satisfied
By mass entertainment
They grovel for me as I won't do for them again

'Cause there's too many stars
Not enough sky
Why should I even try?

What I want is to be a commodity
Fron here it's just so easy
(August 2004)

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The City

I walked all around the city
All the places you and I went
This is not bittersweet
It is thoroughly tainted

I could try to reclaim it
For me and future loves
But my mechanism's broken
I'll never clean enough

I am a firecracker disguised as a girl
I am self-hating predator
Yet for every song of Trouble that I sing
There are more prey waiting in the wings

You know I'd choose death if it weren't so permanent
I've never been good at commitment
I could run away but I'd never escape
My id, my need, this waste

I walk all around the city
To survey the damage I have done
Broken hearts on every street corner
And yours is the loudest one

Still I'll stay here in the city
If just to assert my right
I won't give up these willing victims
Not without a fight

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If only I could be
Docile and compliant
If only I could fit her shoes

If only I could be
The doll that you imagine
I'd proudly shape myself into your muse

If only she knew
The future she was after
She would never choose
eternity with you

It's not her place
It's not her style I'm afraid

If only it would prove
Subservience to you
I'd gladly cut myself just as she would

But right in front of you
That I could not do
A lady never lets a man see her blood

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I ride over rivers and mountains
Trees are covered in blossoms and mosses
To deliver my wilted body to your door
I'm weighing my gains and losses

You welcome me with the look of a madman
I lose myself in your pandemonium

The bed next to the railroad shakes all night
I am systematically giving up the fight

The one who's gone beyond and back
Has taught me to let go
Caught up in your violent thunderstorm
A branch in your stream, pulled to and fro

Black birds line the path
I ride home through rain and snow
It's always the crows who watch
Each lover come and go

The bed next to the railroad shook all night
For those moments I'd given up the fight

You are sweet, with the look of a madman
I love myself when I can't chase equilibrium
Still the crows watch as I run and run away
I will return when the storm pulls me in again

(March 2011)

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Each girl thinks she will be the one
To love you despite all you do wrong
Each time you make the same mistakes
But so does she

You think that to be a good person
Means merely causing no one harm
But since we're all responsible for ourselves
It's impossible to fail

My heart is wide open and I'll never give up hoping
Not for your love, just for you to grow up

Now there's one more thing you need to know
Before the final curtains close
It is cruel to look into a girl's eyes that way you looked in mine
Unless you want her to fall in love with you
It is cruel to want her to fall in love
If you can't love her too
(I know you can't love me too)

Each girl I've told has been unsurprised
They learned as I to avoid your eyes
Now only knowing I can never win
Would I fall in them again

It is cruel to look into a girl's eyes that way you looked in mine
Unless you want her to fall in love with you.
It is cruel to want her to fall in love
If you can't love her too
(I know you can't love any of us too)
(January 2009)

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Cursing You

For so long you, you were the one
The standard against which
All others were compared
And I thought since my feelings never changed
You were the one for me

Now I'm cursing you for letting me hope
Cursing your push and pull
Hating you for ever letting me go
And making me feel responsible

When you told me you would be with
It seemed too good to be true
When you changed your mind (and you changed it so fast)
I knew we were through

Now I'm cursing you for letting me hope
Cursing your push and pull
Hating you for ever letting me go
And making me feel responsible

Now that you're all alone I'm with someone new
Suddenly your fears are gone you believe I loved you

Now I'm cursing you for hoping for me again
Cursing your push and pull
Hating that you changed your mind back
And I was not responsible

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Death of Diplomacy

When the buildings fell I was not afraid of terrorism
I was afraid of my own nation's call to repression and pre-emptive aggression
Now I see my fears were justified
And our fearless leaders -- once again they lied

Why will he never tell us the real reasons?
Propaganda wins over real information
Redistribution of wealth justifies murder
Enforcing one mandate by breaking another

While you pretend it's business as usual
The American way of life is not negotiable
Oh you pretend it's business as usual
The American dream is possible (even if only for you)

I want to trust my government, I don't need to be further radicalized
But what choice do I have when there's no way to rationalize
His power has corrupted him, like those he fights, absolutely
And I was not scared of terrorism until he killed diplomacy

While you pretend it's business as usual
The American way of life is not negotiable
Oh you pretend it's business as usual
The American dream is possible (even if only in his speeches)
(March 2003)

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Half a world away I waited, silent
You'd kept me hanging on while I knew I needed distance
You finally threw me down, no promise anymore
Our words of love, delusions fell apart, copulating on the floor

And summer came and destroyed any other words
Now I can never call that lust by any other name
And you could tell those lies only while spring's blossoms grew
So I left my door open wide for something new

Now I fly through summer's air solely dispossessed
I feel the wind between my legs where once your hand caressed
How could I have been so blind to your fallacies?
Now thanks to slowly severed bonds I've risen to my knees and summer --

Summer came, days grew long
Everything you told me was wrong
For you knew all along
What you'd do to me
And in the spring you said those words
You said them, how you cried them
You said those words -- FOREVER -- you said them but you lied them

How can I stand at the crossroads without doubt?
How can I move forward, trusting now, without desire?
How will autumn fall between, inside our jaded hearts?
How can I touch without igniting fatal fire?

And she said "Stop looking to the heavens for omens, for love:
The answer lies within and it's always 'NO'
No more lies, no more hope"

(Summer burnt our reason)
But you were so, so full of promise
Or was that just PROMISCUITY?
And summer fades.
(September 1997)

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When it comes time to confess this duplicity
Will I say that that is not the real me?
The seduced and romantic girl is
Not the opposing nature I hide
You should be afraid of this un-needing side

Right now I don't need you at all
And I am planning to take complete control
Never fearing solitude
I see her future leading armies
Conquering the world easily

This self knows you are the biggest threat
To subsume my passions, to subtly dominate
To call out the part of me that needs completion
To make me her-as-object
Part of a pair, inextricably linked

If I didn't have someone like you
Would I spend all my time wanting it?
Because this honesty compels me to say
I don't quite want it now that it's mine

I will fight for my rights to her body
To her time and her ability to speak
I don't want to say what we had was deception --
She believed every minute
As I stood by, waiting for my chance to end it
(December 2005)

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Who is this girl?
Mysterious and silent, invading my world

She's been on both sides of envy now
Patience has paid off at last
Knowing not what she now enjoys
Only that her time with you ends too fast

Ooh if only she could see herself
Through your admiring eyes
Ooh if only she understood
How I despise this loss, this competition

She's been on both sides of envy now
Hard work has paid off at last
Knowing not what she now destroys
Only that her time with you ends too fast

Ooh if only I could just ignore
This feeling of rejection, this sorrow
Ooh if only I could see myself
In your arms tomorrow

I've been on both sides of envy now
But I'll win in the end
When your night with her is done
I know you'll be all mine again
(December 2002)

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The Fires I Started

I could stand here in the dark
Until they bring me a glass jar
To catch the things I want to catch
To keep a spider as a pet

I could howl up at the moon
Until the ending comes too soon
For things I used to beg to fetch
Things like you, my pet

And they would all see my unserious desperation
As my arms unfurl to retrieve words already spilled
All the fires I ever started can't begin to warm me
They all got away -- not one left a trace

I will end here listening
To the sound of my own breathing
To my many accomplishments
Though you never heard what I meant

I will leave your memory
To those who see you clearly
I will not carve you into song
I tell everyone's story wrong

This is the song you forget in a day
This is the love I threw away
This is the choice you forget in a day
This is the hope we threw away

(June 2011)

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For the Killers

I am all raccoon eyes, I am peacock-colored flesh
I am supple parchment, my skin a palimpsest

In red filigree the madmen carve their illustrious names
And with clumsy blue marks in quick succession stake their claims

No no nobody can own me
This is my only authority
My my my body is mine to poison
It is my gift for the killers to cut open

I am drying eyes, I am fading green-yellow flesh
I am brittle parchment, a bleached palimpsest

Living each wound again as a first kiss
Clasping tightly memories of myriad fists

This sovereignty is all that’s sacred to me
This is the key to kicking tyranny

(April 2011)

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Freedom From Religion

All we want is freedom from lies
Freedom to create our own lives
To be human, simply; to live without your fucked up morality

You can't legislate reverence
Our cultures are our own
There is no god for us
We can't believe what we know is false

Stop prostheletizing
We are all laughing at your blind faith
We have no fear of hell: life is for the living

Freedom from religion
This is what democracy sounds like
(December 2000)

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Fugue Fugue

With an empty heart and all my hope wrapped tight around me
Fled into lonely night, I'm still here you never found me
Running past fantasies (in anonymity) of your Utopian daylight
Pretend I'm someone else (one of many) memories don't seem to fit right

Those bells I thought would never toll for me
When they did, hollow the sound, hollow the meaning

But recall all the time (now far behind me) spent in a warm embrace
And why I exited (please don't remind me) knowing it couldn't be replaced
Love, once I thought you were (it's so easy to fall) the cure for everything that ailed me
After I tried so hard (or did I try at all) was it that you simply failed me?

Those bells I thought would never toll for me
When they did, hollow the sound, hollow the meaning

Love, when I care to look I see you as smoke and mirrors
Naked, I face myself when your illusion disappears
(February 2009)
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The Future, The Boot

We all worked in a factory
Where only Faustian bargains were made
When the circuses and bread ran out
Our subversive plans were laid
Now you ask us what did we do
For the revolution today?
We learned when life throws you sarin
To sing a sweet serenade

Suddenly everything depends upon us
We'll determine whether
Our future is a big boot
Stomping on a human face forever
And if we win will we win
Just the right to our new chosen leader
Or is there something bigger
To believe in to unite us under

It's inevitable these methods
Decide how our world goes
As falls the king so we know
As we seize the crown so we grow

You know entropy always wins
But what rises from the ruins?
Read these coded instructions
Sewn into your skirt hems

Love love and love again
They that hate you, love them
Love love and love again
They that hate you, love them

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Girl In Black

What can you do when there's no one left to turn from
When you're alone in your artificial world
What can you do when there's no one left to frown at
What can you say when there's no one left to scorn

Sit and drown your sorrows in a cup of jealousy
Tell them all of your superior sadness, blacker than the sea
Speak of all you hate, all that's fake
All the pretense of the ones who look like you
Who copied whom?

This girl in black is her own frozen ocean
Afraid of baring her skin to the sun

You've found a way to disguise your emptiness
By accusing other children of that very same sin
And some are amused, most see through your facade
While you remain blind to hypocrisy within
(August 1997)

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I've got that teenage feeling
A whole lot of good it does me
Part of the allure was I didn't know
What I was getting into

But I can't break the habit of you
Though I say I want to
Oh I need one more rendezvous -- then I'll quit
This nasty habit of you

You still haunt my mind with everything you said
All the things you liked about me went to my head
As we walked down the street eating ice cream
With every bite it got harder to stop
Oh, now I can't stop, I can't stop

And now I can't break the habit of you
I need one more rendezvous
Then I'll quit this habit of you
I still need something to sink my teeth into
I can't break the habit of you
Oh I might say how much I want to
(September 2008)

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This must be the worst part of missing you
I cry at a picture of me kissing you
And I've forgotten just how you smell
I only remember I loved it so well
Oooh it's heavy
Deep in my belly
I picture your touch
And know that you miss me this much

I don't want to tell you that I am in love
Because I'm still haunted
But you're all I have to chase away my ghosts
So you need to know, you're so wanted
Oooh (etc)

I can't play a note without those bitter times
Entering unwelcome into my mind
Time hasn't fixed it but there's hope yet
When we make love I always forget
Schadenfreude or sympathy?
Coincidence or destiny?

When we're together, you distract me
Kisses and laughter attack completely
But your image and voice are poor substitutes
When all six senses of mine need you

(April 2009)

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If I Woke Up In Temescal

If I woke up in Temescal more than once
I would have fallen in love
Not with you, but with your neighborhood
Which had already carved itself into memory in realtime
Burned with luminous skin in the late morning sun
And the perilously foreign-yet-familiar feel of someone's hand in mine
The treacherous ways I was at your command
Gave in completely because I'd found peace, at long last

Is each successive rejection a Russian doll
A little smaller, but really just the same, mocking me
And even though so few of my stars were hung on your tree
I will mourn every loss
I want to tear out your heart in response
But you would have to see what you are missing
And we know you are blind to the charms
I tell myself I still wield
You've tacitly declared them invisible

So I punish myself with an overdose of my beloved solitude
I will never know how much pleasure I negate
By setting my body off-limits
It could all just be a delusion
I might truly be as worthless as you clearly found me
At best a lovely and damaged illusion
To those who can't touch me

If I woke up in Temescal again
I would have written another song about you
And no -- I've finally cut you off from the honors you never deserved

If I woke up
If I woke up in your arms again
Nostalgia is the worst drug I've ever tried to kick
How close did we ever come?

(June 2011)

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(October 2011)

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The Heroine

The city is war-torn
And nearly impassable
I act the lovelorn
Dramatically laughable

You said you'd come see me
Here underground
Now it's closing night
You can't be found

I go through the motions again and again
But you are not here to see them
I go through the emotions again and again
And this time I actually feel them

I play the heroine
I play to their sympathies
I say the sweetest things
To command their empathy

I asked just one thing of you, to be here
Did I not let it slip that I was sincere?
That was my best poker face, trying not to care
I watch and I wait while you never appear

And though I've been spoiled by pretty privilege
I am no child throwing a fit
I could write the book on disappointment
And you'd be the final chapter of it

So you're a coward or
Could never love me
Or you have fallen
To the enemy

All these people came all this way
Faces stained with loss but smiling as they're crying
I would rather see you laugh at my tragedy
Than choke on these tears while I'm curtsying

(June 2011)

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His, Yours, or Mine

I think a lot about all the things that I have broken
I look around at what remains, hoping
If I turn away will I be submerged in regretting
Or will I succeed in forgetting

For too long I've wanted a forbidden kiss to force me to decision
Chaos of lust is unstoppable and I am made of pure destruction
All epiphanies are false and my sweet words might never mean a thing
But I vacillate between two choices and a third could break the swing

I will win either way I choose
But either way I also lose
I am adrift, I can't decide
Whose desire to satisfy: his, yours or mine

Those who don't fear me want me
In this city full of men
Can I say no to them for you?
Can I say no to you for them?
(August 2008)

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In Bluebeard's Castle

You don't ask what happened
His history is a private matter
You wouldn't like what you find
Just pray to never ask for
The violence he keeps confined

Oh all the women before you
He didn't deserve us, we were cruel
You dear you are different, you are so innocent
He watches you like a hawk
And your body given to him, he owns it

In daily life he is solicitous
Wants to know your desires so he can fill them
You tell him omitting only one thing:
Your curiosity

But with your subtle charms you have seduced the guard
Now he walks beside you with a ring of keys
You do not see the sadistic gleam in his eyes
As he opens the forbidden chamber
He will enjoy murder vicariously
Your false step unleashes the fury
Belied by your prince's calm demeanor
What is behind that door?

In Bluebeard's castle
What is behind that door?
(November 2008)

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In Gilead

(Nolite te bastardes carborundorum)

Will I buckle under?
Will I become just what they want me to be?

(Here in terror indentity crises are so petty)
How can we submit to this?
Separated in red

Our identities
Split three ways
(Will I submit)
You have reduced us to our fertility
(Or will I be martyred, uselessly?)

What of OUR sacrifice?

A womb
a cunt
a dried-out shell

Your ("His") future
Your present
Your obligation

How can we submit?

I want to be defiant.
I want to tell them off.

Nolite te bastardes carborundorum...
Will I believe that?
Will I believe that hope?

(Don't let the bastards grind you down.)
(February, 2001)

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In Love with Us

He rushed us straight on, sweep feet out under
Me, melt for blush, now felt naked say "ah"

So simply be loved and
Only error still frees us
Happy error here frees up
Speak still sweet the more he saw
Sell the leave more where he's too fond you see

He'd have helped the veiled ones
Tell someday why
Harsh, the end of near-strength
Sundials, snatch more we are
Here as we sat on that shelf easily
In love with us he ropes sad animals

So wracked, know when is ended
Hopes I don't know exit warrior:
Her song lapses, deserts, see the path?
So all is neat, sin's ceremonial, for hope it's only a hand

There's no more need in real
Assumption on that stops
Says certainly lose it; a young girl would
There's no need left, yes no need being left in our loop
And now these methods need forensics

He's the very gear but
Hopes it all pushed me -- let go!
So be soothed you so often, one in/out my eyes
He rushed this enamored enough, so still it's early
In love with us
Hope the curtains are up
(December, 2008)

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The echoes fade each season and return
I am haunted by "We have all the time in the world"
Because you, my young older man, won't deceive me with permanence
You will never lie or let me hope

In these electric daydreams I search for you
Here are the empty streets, the forest, the dancefloor of tacit desires,
Here is the night you slept on the floor,
Here is the night of rain which I will always remember

But I have seen cascades of tears running away from me
At the end of these years -- growing up's not all it should be
You're so fixed in your ideals: you'll be victorious
(Refuse to try these appeals) against your own happiness.

This electricity never faded, now memory holds me secure.
By morning pain will be dried, brine round our eyes.
And I am always warm, always satisfied

Because we are infinitesimal. We are too small, too small to wonder.

Now is the trial, the test of faith.
I remain faithful in my quest for understanding
You, the greatest mystery of all
I am only a wasp slayer; I am both hunter and prey,
And I remember in devoted solitude

Oh, I have seen cascades of tears....

We are infinitesimal. We are too small, too small to doubt
When happiness rests at our feet
We are infinitesimal. We are....
(June 1998)

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Is she secretly on my side

Is she secretly on my side
Does she know all the reasons I've cried
And secretly still sing along
The soundtrack of her life my songs
(She always got the meanings wrong)

She's my sororal doppelganger
Following close like a phantom
Loving my discards just to confuse me:
Which of us holds the hand-me-downs?
(Which of us wears the wedding gowns?)

Now she wears my old life, the life I think she made
On my competitive side she preyed
Did she always picture herself in my place
Now the darling's won the race
(I wish that she could see my face)

Does she remember the day we tried on white dresses
The day she was my sister, before I was her confessor
Now does she revel in victory
Or is she plagued by the ghost of me?
(Haunted by what she can not see)

(January 2010)

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The Keys

With a promise to set me free
From the cage I'd locked myself into
He appeared with many keys
How could I refuse?

These golden bars they hold perfection
But were chosen by mistake (mistake)
Comfort would be my tomb
I had to run away (he led me away)

Waking in the morning, my head upon his chest
The paradox abundantly clear
This love attacked so fierce: it will decay like all the rest
There is nothing to be gained here

As lust turns to need all the promise is destroyed
Need turns to possession
Each little victory only noise

So I have returned to my cage
But now I hold the keys
And I will use them
Anytime I please
(July 2008)

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Knowledge Scars

Such a lovely fall from grace
Such a pretty tearful face
Silence rules falsely empty hearts
In this fevered, cold embrace

Intuition's wrong, though dreams implore so strongly
Upon these wings of fire no other has desired so
Could my hope be killed within another sin, oh
I'd touch your soul again but pretense wears so thin, within

If only I could wait; if only I could have faith
In love -- in love -- like yesterday
Then along you come, so cool, emotionless
And I can only open my arms, close my eyes, and wait

Knowledge scars with twisted limbs
Always given, given in
Torn by vapid lust
Deny our broken trust.
(July 1997, November 1998)

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Lament For Peter Pan

Sweet unrest grows sour -- striving, excruciating
yet wanting so badly to atone...
"Go, then and scorn fidelity. Guilt will follow."

This tightrope I walk slices through my feet as the are clay
As if I were meant to fall into both sides of sorrows (so grave, so deep)
To be forced by guile and guilt which so manipulate
For I have paid in insincerity for my small mistakes

I fear the imminent gravity of aborted wishes
I have seen before through eyes like his
I know the pain separation gives
And he hasn't yet learned
Forever never means forever....anymore, anymore, anymore...did it ever?

This is for washing the sorrows away
From these feet like clay...

The rope now gives way, and I know where I stand
He's within, without, and so very over
Like a sweet, sweet dream into which I'll never step again, anymore...
(But there are other dreams, oh yes)

* Well in the night I dream about you
In the day I find no rest
Just the thought of you, my darling
Sends aching pains all through my chest

Days grow longer and enamored with the spring
Longer now I watch your face, blue in the silent dusk
But how long will hopes remain inside, entombed, beseeching us
And how long till your faraway eyes will reach for me
Will they ever reach again?
Do I hold no mystery? (anymore...)
And how can we romanticize
Once those burning eyes
Have wrapped around my flesh, so consuming my enigma
Is there nothing left?
anymore, anymore, anymore...

This remorse will never disappear
While he refuses to dry his tears
Our guilty hands never rinse clear
So we remain blind in fear -- and never love

* Well, when I'm dead and in my coffin
With my feet turned toward the sun
Come and sit beside me, darling,
Come and think on the way you've done

* from folk song, "East Virginia," not included in Knowledge Scars version

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Peter Pan Waltz (originally part of "Lament for Peter Pan")

Oh never again to be swept off my feet, nevermore nevermore nevermore
And never again know the hope so sweet, nevermore...

But "nevermore?" I've said it before, nevermore...
And always the same find the lies, all the blame lies within, evermore, evermore

But you taught me to hate this slow loss of emotion, this motion toward death, toward stillness,
The oceans of blood from your lips as you let out the pain
I feel mine in your words till we've both been drained

Though ever I grow colder, my hope never wanes to leave me so alone
Alone in my dreams forgetful of these, my first silver idols

But electric as daydreams are still, I fear I'll watch you grow ever duller
If you ever let me touch you, if my mind gets any fuller with time
If I see through your words to a heart frail as mine, delicate as ice in April

For only the truly unreachable can still hold fascination for such as we
Only the truly unreachable can still fascinate me
anymore, anymore, anymore, anymore....
(January-February 1998)

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The Little Mermaid

"Are you not fonder of me than of all the rest?" cried her eyes
"Yes, you are dearest of all to me -- you, the silent one; if not no one, then you."

But then he speaks of her -- the unknown, a false angel.
The mermaid chokes in fear, but still she hopes...

How can you want something more than me? I give my life for yours, sacrifice my voice
Only in hope, a thousand knives each step, that I may share your soul
Oh, if only I could sing, or if this heart had wings, I would be your angel.

Word travels fast, soon despair comes crashing, crashing down
Only blood and sisters' love can save her life now.
A thousand knives. She dances into death that night.
The sea so cold, black, unyielding.
A promise to fall. So only murder can save her now, but what's the use
Her love is gone either way, so why fight?

How can you want more than me? I rewrote my future in foam for you
I gave my life to see this through and am betrayed. And disintegrate. Oooh...

Oh -- Why must true illusion, not love, conquer all?
(April 1998)

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Loud and Clear

I only wanted to make something better than myself
I never resisted being criticized
No I listened to everything anyone has said
But some things are not meant to be analyzed

It's all over now
I've grown so tired of listening to all the doubt
The fear so consuming that I'll never get out
I still have the choice
To ignore that voice inside my head that says
Whatever I do, it's not a success --
I've had enough of this

With every glance new cracks, new flaws are exposed
We all carry a thousand mistakes
But you know someday this Pandora's box will be closed
Until then, I'll do whatever it takes

I look to the past, to the future to come
Relying on daydreams that I might have won
One day...

I'm too soft, I'm too hard
I'm too brave, I'm too scared
I'm trivial, I'm serious
Is anyone even hearing this?

I hear the absence of your cheers
Loud and clear, loud and clear...
(February 2008)

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Magnanimous (For J.D.M)

This house is now barren and cold
Where once it was scented, overgrown
So glad to be leaving this misery
Silence, eternal sterility

Someone said, "You want to think you are good"
No: I don't care what I think

When most people would rather hate than communicate
You are different, you have something to say, now

But now you're so far away
In word and body, what can I say?
Could you understand my desperation
Magnanimous you, understand my attention
Unwanted as it was

Hope is necessary, just like trust
In every situation I find myself
Grasping for some connection, anything, something like community
But most people would rather hate than communicate
You are different; you care what I have to say

But now you're so far away
In word and body, what can I say
Could you understand my anger at them
Magnanimous you, understand my reaction
Irrational as it was

Now you're so far away
In word and body, what can I say
What can I say that will sound the same
On the other side of the electronic divide
(July 2000)

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Mediocrity (life of whoredom)

You sleaze in everything you do. Once you sodomized a child, and never even
knew her name. That night I lay and wished for none of what you tried to
give me. "You're like two sirens" you said. But I never called you.

Still I always wanted my name in lights
What I thought I could do for fame, back in those nights

But now I will not submit to mediocrity
"Angel named Mercy," who could that be?
Any fool could see through you
Ephemeral bullshit is not for me

I was a 25 dollar whore for you
I wasted my talent on your worthless crap
I was no one, trying to make you look good
The worst job I've ever had to give

(I'll never submit again)
Nevermore will I submit to mediocrity
Your self-serving ignorance, hypocrisy
I was ashamed by our name and your pretension
I know this life of whoredom is not for me

In all your decadence I will not lie
(an inside joke, July 1999)

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I love what's new so much
I can't tell what's best
I'll never have what I want
I want what I can't get

I won't control myself, I won't hide
The blackness draws you in, my pupils are so wide
It scares you when I look into your eyes
But this is the kind of fear you like

You've never met a girl like me before
You'll never meet one again
It's cruel for me to leave you wanting more
But these affairs are meant to end

I love what's new so much
I can't tell what's best
I'll never have what I want
I want what I can't get

Because you are strange
Because you are new
Because nothing not now
Can ever be true

We walk to your place from the center of the city
I love your accent but I can't stand the rain
One-night-stands have become a part of me
You say you never do this kind of thing but -

If our bodies were always touching
Then of course we would be feeling nothing
At least this spark is something

My skin is wrapped
In red warning labels
But I've nothing to conceal
My inner truths are on the table

(March 2011)

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The Next Flower

(Words by Kat Mulkey)

You look so intriguing
In that old-fashioned clothing
Your eyes so alluring
So young, yet so knowing

In black fishnet stockings
And dark velvet gown
You visit the nightclubs
All over town

You meet a young man there
You know the type
In exchange for a slow dance
You're his for the night

But boys don't love girls like that
Past the promiscuous hour
They leave your cherished blossom
And fly to the next flower

You let him caress you
In the back of an old car
For proclaiming your beauty
You let him go so far

You're searching for love you say
But that's not how you'll find it
Beneath the flesh you're still alone
And you pretend you don't mind it

But boys don't love girls like that
Past the promiscuous hour
They leave your cherished blossom
And fly to the next flower

Boys don't love girls like that
They don't take them home
To meet mother, make breakfast, or write to you
But this you've always known

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Do you ever wonder, wonder who
Silently came, quickly left, left a flower for you?
He said "be wary of symbols" and I see them so clear
But I have dreams -- one of them is you -- they eclipse all my fear

Can you tell me why I dream of you?
Hungry and male, and her, long-lashed and beautiful-sad
Was the electricity only the sparks behind my eyes
In the redness of parched, scorched earth
Thirsty your eyes, or my blood

But its your smile in those moments that lets in hope
I subsist on this, I desist as you resist
But how twisted my desires grow
And when will I feel your eyes, your dark eyes
On my flesh, on my breast
Where I fear my displayed heart lies?

...and oh, the paresthesia when I pretend you want me
When my subconcious taunts me with this impossible dream....
(November 1999)

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Pillar of Salt

The damage was done preemptively
Blame the force of these memories
Abstain all you want you can't shake your hold on me

Though you won't call me -- you play it right
Still my mind lingers in those nights
And you don't have to try to twist that knife

But if I look back I'll turn into a pillar of
If I look back I'll turn into a pillar of
If I look back I'll turn into a pillar of

Not since the days of boys' tyranny
Over my heart was I so weak
Yet you see I would love to beg at your feet

But if I look back I'll turn into a pillar of
If I look back I'll turn into a pillar of
If I look back I'll turn into a pillar of

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Pink Shoes

Pink shoes never touch the ground
Walk of shame back from your house
My town like I've never seen
On your side the grass is green

Mission boys nod as I pass
In Spanish compliment my dress
Makeup's smeared but I don't care
Now at last I'm so aware

Your scent lingers on my skin
Iceberg-tip of what's within
Endless possibilities
Who I am allowed to be

Always think of you when I wear pink shoes

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A Poison Tree - Words by William Blake

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I watered it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright.
And my foe beheld it shine.
And he knew that it was mine,

And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretched beneath the tree.

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Some people use words, gasps of air
Some use flesh, objects of desire seeking power
Either way, from either side, the desire is the same:

Love, whatever that means, whatever it brings, I'll do what I can, to find it
Some follow, others seek
Are we what we feel or what we think?

What can I do to touch you?
When we are only red lights in a grey haze
And I can hardly see you

Why when I close my eyes
I feel your body
Why do I put so much faith in someone I hardly know?
Is it my need to hope?

What do I seek in you?
What's at the core of me
Do I really long for autonomy?

Do I want to be the object of your fantasies
Or are you my dream
Or my icon, so reduced
Or my innocence, so long dismissed?

Love, whatever that means, whatever that brings, I'll do what I can, to find it
Some follow, other seek
You are what you feel

What's at the core of me: do I really seek autonomy?
Or are you a center of power
Or are you who I want to be?

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The guilt anchored me
But your face could launch a thousand ships
And the sky on those nights would steal any heart
And now the remorse is yours
I hung her on your wall for a reason -- bloody hands, roses
I would have done anything to be rid of her
Except give up hope of touching you, so I succumbed

I have always been blind
I will never learn to let go
(For now I purge the lies)
You failed, you failed like all the rest,
At least I though you'd try
But my dreams of true love disappeared in half a week

I touched you, I found your heart
I found it frail but unkind
I'll never lay a hand on your soul again.

But God how I long to have those nights back
The time before bitterness took hold
Innocence was painted black and violet
In the violence of floods, in the oceans of memories
Cascading from this punctured heart
That still cries for new wounds...

The sorrows couldn't wash away as quickly as love did
No time passed before silence and proverbial illusion conquered all
And no tears fell after that night, the fall, but nostalgia burns
And I am always warm
This is my new tightrope
I can't see beneath my feet -- I could fall into space
This loss of hope is eternal
You never believed we were infinitesimal; I still see it --

On nights like this when the sky falls
I can still resist hoping
I have no more dreams of love
I only dream of telling my story
(Still I wait for someone to sweep me away, to awaken me to illusory bliss)
There is only this song
You are absolved
Will I ever be possessed by another?
(Never wish for the impossible)
There is only this song
(November 1998) )

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Running After Darkness (for W.H.)

Those nights of chasing your ghost
Following the sound of your voice, echoing through my head
Running after Darkness, running after the rain
Have finally come to an end

After all my hope has died
Obsession the brightest fire
Burned in me so long how could I
Give up all me dreams without a fight

Night after night I'd lay alone in bed
Watching your pictures dance on my wall
Listening to a childish heart
Beating hope through it all

Day after day I went searching for people like you
Trying so hard to become someone you could love
Finding that without you in my mind
I am all I ever wanted to be

And if I could break my love for you
How could I ever trust again
You caused those rainbows to fall
Condemned me to walk

Alone through streets which yearn for my love
Naked but for this jaded smile
Could I only be innocent again
Just to watch my heart -- as it's broken

Now those nights of chasing your ghost
Following the sound of your voice, echoing through my head
Running after Darkness, running after the rain
Have finally come to an end
...an end...an end....

Shall I cry one last time for the death of these tears?
(July 1996)

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I take the dress down from the attic
I slip her on and tie her lace
Tonight she might be stained and battered
In your dangerous embrace

I am satin, fretted and frayed
By life's jagged edges
When I let myself out to play
Despite consequences

Intensity is muted by pretending
It's not in reverence for your spark
Just for the severance of strings
That bound me, kept me from my heart

Yet everything I make and do
In this labyrinth of doubt
Is a misguided lovesong to you
Wouldn't mean anything without
(oh let it out let it out!)

I take the dress down from the attic
I slip her on and lace her ties
Tonight she might be torn and tattered
Just because we are alive
(November 2008)

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Silently Conjure

Without any moon to guide us
One impulse from what's denied us
You gave me this potent mix
As if you don't know your strength

To possess beauty wild as this
Silently conjures every wish
I could pretend I don't know
You're paralyzed yet it shows

All the beasts of the forest
Watch and wait or else ignore us
Human needs will continue
A growing scream that's within you

Come to me in your sleep
Lie next to me breathe me deep
Fingertips crushing fear
On your lips as I draw near

I enter in to your mind
Your pupils have opened wide
I hypnotize you are mine
All my fingers count the signs

Come to me
I hypnotize
Free from yourself
Now you are mine

(February 2012)

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Siren Ship

You're fearless and lawless, you follow no captain
But you're ruled by desire approaching obsession
I am a shapely vessel full of riches to plunder
I've been breached before, but I've never gone under

You cannon blasts split me, resolutely defiled
I am humbled and broken by a boyish smile
You enter violently, but this was my plan
You think it all your choice, you arrogant man!

Your type can never resist my call
I have been so many sailors' downfall
Your type can never resist my call
I have been so many conquerors' downfall

Racing the hourglass to escape with my treasure
But my humiliation promises such pleasure
This is the glorious destruction you've wrought
You can't deny yourself the wounded beast you caught

I'm losing my grip on the horizon
You clutch at me tightly as the water is rising
I am a shattered vessel, full of riches, going down
But you're the one begging as I watch you drown

(June 2011)

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The Snowstorm

We tear love out by its roots
Replant it in a hundred distant gardens
“The love is dead, long live the love”
And we have no gods, no partners

The leaves grow pale and weak
The flowers bloom too soon

I let them fall all around me, falling for me
I blush unseen and see them falling remotely

We live the myth, self-sufficient, brave and confident
Mock-courage is our favorite currency
Demanding all the signifiers, calling happiness to us
But without tenderness all this power is meaningless

The roots had rotted
Before they could spread

I let them fall all around me, falling for me
I blush unseen and watch them falling remotely
In this snowstorm I don't know which arms I miss around me
With only words to tie us, intangible and tenuous

(June 2012)

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I play the odds for any coins the gods might toss us
You are content just gazing at the stars that cross us

They keep throwing things to wish upon
But it's never enough to loose our bonds
They keep taunting us with fantasies
Compromises for improbabilities

Oh please, please ask me to fight
Don't ask me to sacrifice
Oh please let us have ground to stand
Don't ask me to fold my hand

I keep my cards close to my chest but feel it thumping
For you I try but fail at concealing one thing

I am a hack artist of truths left unsaid
You have a way of getting into my head
Desperation is our biggest threat
When outside forces force us into their debt

(February 2012)

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For too long I paid lipservice to liberation
Let my young self be subsumed in our relations
Don't think for a moment I don't take responsibility
But you have to agree it was time I set myself free

Is it wrong to distill what we had for so many years
Down to the worst of us both, all of our violence and tears
Tell me what hurts and hate me for wanting it anyway
Love has driven me from you and fear won't make me stay
I have stared down the face of death
Burned my idols till nothing was left
If you tried to see through my eyes
You would know this is how I'll survive, the only way I can survive

You think I sacrificed happiness for pleasures trivial
I repeat my mantra no regrets so someday it will feel real
I am alone, there is no freedom from
I begged borrowed and stole, escaped your rubber room

Blame me for what you can
You are a shell of a man
Tell all my friends I've gone mad
Everything I could've wanted, I had
But survival isn't just for the body
It's for what will be left of me
All the ways you say I'm crazy
They form my legacy

You think I sacrificed happiness for pleasures trivial
I repeat my mantra no regrets so someday it will feel real
I am alone with my freedom to
I lied cheated and stole to get away from you
I am alone, wide skies above me
This city's all mine, and no one to love me
I am alone unprotected from my worst self
No freedom from but I have no regrets
I am alone, wide skies above,
This city's all mine, and no one to love

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(Words by Elizabeth Powers)
Don't crush her fairy's wings
Hold her gently in your hand
Help her to feel tall again
None of this was planned

She's too small for the pen
Can't write her story down
Too small for the pen
Can't bring her mind around

She's wilting in the corner
No one to help her stand
Help her to feel tall again
None of this was planned

Her silver shell is cracking
Naive beyond belief
She's not as lithesome as she'd like
Keeps glimpses of herself brief

(Thumbelina, Thumbelina-ah)

No junebugs can reach her here
To sweep her into an unknown land
And spirit her away to a lonely bloom
No, none of this was planned

She can question why she was born this small
But of course there is no one to answer her call

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I wasn't looking for -- Trouble found me
It rests with eyes and words, for now my treachery
Does the young planet know the force with which she pulls
Who can blame two bodies for obeying gravity?

Yes there are things that can't be undone
But neither can they be unsaid; you can't be unwanted
Knowing well that this could be the crisis
Despite admonishments I remain undaunted

Now I'm poised to fall the final distance into your arms
The path of least resistance and the most harm
I always get what I ask for
But never know what I want

So when I asked for it Trouble found me
It lives in flesh and bone, our treachery
I won't ask the lioness to change her nature
However merciless, however bloody

This is not the first secret, it won't be the last
I see all the future tears as if they've already passed
As if it's already known
For now, we keep it close

I ask again, my friend -- Trouble find me
Remind me how it feels, my treachery
(July 2008)

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Under The Sand

Within, without and over, you are to me
Under the sky, under the sand buried your face beneath
Only for our comet somewhere far away
Denying the pain we cause ourselves you should stay
The truth will come; I can't go on
Let it wash into the sea

Why don't you stay if it feels so good inside me?
Condemn my words
Within, without.

Now is the time when silver ties have come undone
Broken promises, mistrust, never the only one
I could wish all I can on the heavens above
But never restore the faith we had, in what you called Love
(June 1997)

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Vacant Skies

(Oh pretty boy, how can I feel sad for you?
I don't even know your words are true
And this light is a dying star)

Never more will I wish for vacant skies to pull me in
All my memories are nightmares
I'll sleep alone all of my life
For no one wants to touch me
When I expected you
To show me some sympathy
But no one who has ever hurt can feel for me
The child of a happy home and of the sea
When any minute I could be destroyed
(By just one word from you)
(August 1999)

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When I Touch Myself

Don't call me tonight
It would make it impossible

What I realized today is that in loving you I forgot to love myself
Then I was nothing, you lost interest
More importantly, I lost interest in myself

This is what has happened every time
I finally saw the error of obsessive altruism

So now I dance to remind myself that I still have a body
Even when I am alone
And that I don't think about you
When I touch myself
(November 21, 2000)

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Written in Red - Words by Voltairine de Cleyre

Written in red their protest stands,
For the Gods of the World to see;
On the dooming wall their bodiless hands
have blazoned "Upharsin," and flaring brands
Illumine the message: "Seize the lands!
Open the prisons and make men free!"
Flame out the living words of the dead

Gods of the World! Their mouths are dumb!
Your guns have spoken and they are dust.
But the shrouded Living, whose hearts were numb,
have felt the beat of a wakening drum
Within them sounding -- the Dead men's tongue --
Calling: "Smite off the ancient rust!"
Have beheld "Resurrexit," the word of the Dead,

Bear it aloft, O roaring flame!
Skyward aloft, where all may see.
Slaves of the World! Our cause is the same;
One is the immemorial shame;
One is the struggle, and in One name --
Manhood -- we battle to set men free.
"Uncurse us the Land!" burn the words of the Dead,

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I won that fight
The pain was mine
I sunk to martyrdom

So... you'll never see how you betrayed me
Soon there will be no more -- you'll no longer plague me
How could you think to take away my home
How could I have thought to sacrifice myself for you again?
Will we never speak again? Now it's a war of self-concern
And I have no more sympathy for you who so deserted me...

But you were once someone to hold on to
You were all I had to put my faith into
And throughout all of my blackest days
You were the one I thought I knew would stay (out of compassion)

And now the only thing that gives me pleasure is knowing
You betrayed him too, and oh what will he do to you, when he finds out
You fucked his enemy
You fucked his devil-counterpart, and he's such an angel, oh your violent angel
will he -- what will he do to you -- will he wish you luck in nonexistence too?
I love knowing, all of those nights you deserted me. you betrayed him, too, oh ...
And I know I fought for myself for once, and I love it.

And hope, oh you finally killed
Let him break the vessel I had filled
With trust, with perfect trust
And I thank you for forcing me to learn
To never hope, never more
Now, I say, you are nothing to me
I say you are nothing to me now

Then why, every time I close my eyes you're there
And I relive it all
The pain of loss, the fear
But I, I've already been there once, why every night again, again...
And the last dream that I had, we laughed together one last time
About our mutual hatred
(October 1995, April 1999)

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